Angel Between the Lines

A fan audio drama that tells what happens between the seasons of Angel

Character Blog: LAST TIME I ORDER CHINESE!

Posted by Connor_The_Destroyer On October - 6 - 2009

Connor(with help from Jancis)


Location:
LA, USA
Mood– Angry

I have had a really stupid day today! And I mean stupid!

Firstly my “Dad” has disappeared along with his “girlfriend” and I’m supposed to be all upset that he’s gone. Why should I? He does this all the time. F and G, the people my father works with were all mopey and sending emails to anyone they could think of. Dad’s like a cat. I’m sure if we leave the door open, he’ll drift back in at some point. Really, I’m surprised they haven’t got me putting up posters. “Have you seen this man? Warning: He bites”.

But I was worried about C, Dad’s girl. I know she can take care herself but Los Angles isn’t the safest place.

So, I went to look for her. I asked some people, checked the dumpsters, that kind of thing, but no luck. The others thought they could help but they just started kicking at bins and talking to bums. They were slowing me down. And all that time she could be lying in an alley somewhere. Bleeding. Alone… I don’t want to think about it.

Finally, I got a chance to go by myself. I work a lot better when I don’t have the two lovebirds tweeting away all the time.

After helping with a bit of redecorating in exchange for some information, I went to look in Chinatown. Strange smells and people shouting. Full of people with nothing to say but a strange need to just talk at you. This sort of people would make you buy a “one of a kind, very rare” bottle which you see twenty of behind the curtains.

After looking in thirteen different places I finally ended up in a Chinese restaurant. The second I walk in, the girl behind the desk is all over me. “You cute! You like my big eyes?” It was sickening really. I just wanted some information not some “sweet or spicy” bimbo. I didn’t want a date especially not with the likes of her.

And I told her in frank terms that I wasn’t interested and that she could stop trying. I didn’t say anything that wasn’t true. But somehow she took offense.

Women! Horny women!

That came out wrong. Or did it? I’m leaving it in.

Okay. Fine. Maybe I was rude but I… I know some men would like the fact she had a… it really doesn’t matter. I wasn’t interested. I can’t believe everyone’s angry with me!

Whatever.

I got back to the hotel empty handed apart from some incense to find out the others had also failed. Not that I was expecting much. And what had they done? They had ordered Chinese! Why not? I truly believe they do it to annoy me.

(I think F was drunk. She was talking A LOT and giggling but she does that anyway. It’s her “thing”.)

So we ate and I had to watch them. Of course they can’t eat food like normal people Oh no, they have to hold it up to each other’s mouths and steal little kisses here and there. And the rubbing. Oh the rubbing!

That said, the food was pretty good. I mean, I’ve had better, but it was alright.

Then, I was just sitting in my chair, full of fats and chemicals, when I noticed the table was starting to grow.

Of course I knew that a table had no right to be growing, so I braced myself for trouble.

Next thing I knew there were food cartons the size of houses and that puddle of dim sun sauce I had spilt earlier was a lake. If you want to be put off duck pancakes just have a river of the sauce flow past you. The smell is hideous. And I spend time in sewers!

But it seems that certain people are unused to shrinking and F started babbling AGAIN!

Holtz told me that it used to be that the only suitable time to strike a woman was when she was in hysterics. I thought about giving her at most a tap to stop her talking about cows.

Instead of this, G just stroked her hair like she was a horse and whispered sweet nothings in her ear.

And I simply pointed out that there was a good chance we were stuck like this.

Oh but that really set F off bawling. And it was all, “Don’t upset her. She’s very sensitive!” I swear he treats her like an animal.

Speaking of animals, G got defensive and tried to attack like he was the big dog.

Then I might have overreacted and tried to attack him with a chopstick.

But that’s beside the point. I mean, they dodged. AND I helped find the hand written message in the fortune cookie! So, really, I saved the day!

After much turning of paper (and people getting hit by spoons. That was pretty funny) we found that Little Miss Horny was the cause of all this.

“You belittle me? Ha! Now you be little!”

Women! Stupid punning demonic women!

It’s the whole literal genie thing that demons have going for them! You ask for a drink of water and they pour it on the floor because you didn’t ask for a cup. I hate that.

Look, I’m going to keep coming back to this. I simply tell a girl I don’t like her and then it becomes this big life threatening thing. I’ll give you most things with us become life threatening but it’s still not my fault. Fully.

So after I left them to babble, the lovers had came up with a brilliant idea. We had to climb the counter to do some reading.

Oh, but of course we did. That was the most sensible idea we could have come up with in the situation. A climb. Full marks! Do have a point!

For the record, while everyone is pointing fingers at me, I’d like to point out I caught F when she fell off the table. I didn’t have to. I could have let her fall on her skinny behind. But I didn’t. So there was no need to call me names. Whatever.

And when the run from table to counter couldn’t have gotten more fun, the door blew openned wide and Horny stepped inside.

So it was a quick sprint and clamber (the sort of thing I used to do before breakfast) and we were on the counter.

We stood there watching the chow mein being trampled into the carpet while F scanned the book.

After some very careful page turning it seemed the tea we ordered really was “old family recipe” and could bring us back.

Deus ex tea. Which was lucky. I wanted a Coke.

F couldn’t help but shout about how smart she was for finding out the answer which nicely gave away our location to the scorned girl. She came stomping over all ready to squash us.

So we shot her with a crossbow.

Like you do.

Nothing like a little pain to make one change one’s tune. Suddenly she was so apologetic and weepy. But I ignored this and helped F get back to the table and the spilt tea.

The river of tea had joined Lake Dim Sun which made it a less than pleasant drink. Again, I’ve had worse.

So, it seems that all of this could have been averted if I had just gone on a date with Jade or whatever her name was. She span quite the sob story about how young and innocent she was (Never been kissed!) and how she never wanted to hurt us and she would have never done it if I had told her she had eyes like a seal or something. Stupid girl.

After Jade had been bandaged up and put in a taxi F tried to sit me down. She held my hand and gave me the talk on how I should act around people or things that are different to me. How I mustn’t tar a race or species just because their distant cousins once tried to rip out my lungs.

When she saw I wasn’t really appreciating her efforts, she went off to get a flipchart and marker pens. I just snuck up to my room while her back was turned. I am ninja.

But today was…Stupid! It’s all just so…

I have a headache.

I’m going for a walk. Carnival’s in town. I want to see the guy’s face when I beat his game with those blunt darts.

Mindless violence.

That should cheer me up.

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2 Responses

  1. Jen Says:

    Great entry. I enjoy it immensely.

    Posted on October 6th, 2009 at 12:48 pm

  2. Jon Says:

    Dude, I feel for you! Girls, they say they hate drama, but they seem to be the ones causing it, no matter what species.

    Posted on October 7th, 2009 at 1:28 pm

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